noun [kee-smash] a random string of letters and symbols typed out on a keyboard or touchscreen, used to signal intense emotion in written communication:
Half-way into the year, and I cannot help but feel a little nostalgic. Being the kind of overly emotional and sentimental woman that I am, I spent the past few days going through my old journals and going through how much I have changed in the past 5 years.
They say that if you don’t cringe at who you were in the past, then you have not matured at all. Well, if that is the case, then I am definitely a lot more mature now than I once had been. š
I am super late to do a wrap up post for the past month, but April has been full of so many little achievements that I want to write about all that I did. Future me can read this post to feel inspired on her bad days.
To begin with, I started blogging more or less regularly again this April. And that in itself is a huge accomplishment, considering I had practically given up on it last year. Back then, I told myself I needed a long, long hiatus to take care of my mental health.
It wasn’t exactly a lie, but neither was it the complete truth. In reality, I was finding it hard to cope with the pressures of working a full-time job for the first time while also adjusting and learning new things the job required of me. Then there was the matter of trying to find time for myself and my family; trying to heal after a rather disappointing breakup, and coping with the loss of not one but several puppies and kittens.
All this while also dealing with the global pandemic.
Continue reading “Monthly Wrap Up: April 2021”((cue nervous laughter because this is the first personal post on this blog hehehehehe))
This has been on my mind for a while now, and I am not sure how best to express this in words without embarrassing myself, but I tend to form emotional attachments a little too quickly, a little too strongly, and at the same time, I find myself unable to really open up to people, to share the things that friends are supposed to be sharing with each other. It makes friendships hard enough as it is for an introvert like me–on one hand I can’t make my friendships more meaningful even though I want to; without intimacy, without the feeling of trust that comes with sharing and keeping secrets and other things you wouldn’t tell most people, it’s difficult to cross the borderlands between “acquaintance/friends” and “good friends”.
On the other hand, just because I cannot share these things that matter so much to me, the important things, does not mean I don’t care deeply about the people surrounding me. I do. It’s just hard to prove it when I can’t open up to them.
And we are just talking about friendships here, not romantic relationships. Let’s not even go there, hahaha.
((Actually we are going to go there))
A little more than a month ago, I gathered up the courage to text a crush I have only known through social media. Mind you that this was a really stupid crush–an absolute school girl infatuation–I didn’t actually like the guy. It was more like a he-seems-interesting kinda thing.
Anyway we started talking and I was surprised by how quickly we became friends. One of the first things I learned early on was that he had a girlfriend, which, as disappointing as it was, didn’t bother meĀ that much because I did not really like him seriously. At first.
I guess you all know where this is going.
Well, no point beating around the bush: now, after having talked to him for some time and getting to know him better, I am starting to think I have feelings for him. I am not going to go into the details of that or why I even started having feelings for him because that’s not what I want to get off my chest. I want to talk about the hard part.
The part where I start to forget myself because of how emotionally attached I can become to a person.
I guess it happens to a lot of people when they fall in love. As cliche as it sounds love really can be…overwhelming. And I guess it’s normal that when you fall in love, this one person becomes so important to you that you start to forget thatĀ you are important to yourself too. That all the people around you are characters in your story butĀ you are the protagonist. That this story is about you.
Especially if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or (if they are a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend) makes you feel like they don’t love you as much back.
At times like this I guess it’s hard to remember that the love we want isn’t some thing that only one person can give. I think that’s part of why it’s hard for us to leave those people, even when they hurt us and make us unhappy,Ā because we want them to be the one to give us the love that we give them. To quote Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower (the book not the movie): we accept the love we think we deserve.
And I think all of this is part of why it is so hard to love ourselves first–to give ourselves the love that we actually deserve. That’s the hard part.
For myself, I have been doing a little better lately. I am putting a bit of distance between myself and this guy, and using that time to focus on me instead. I am not talking trips to the spa or shopping mall (but if that makes you feel good do that, you do you) but more like things that I know will make me happier in the long run: running every alternate days to get in shape a bit, writing more often, talking to other people, reading more, etc. Things that require me to think about other things instead of him. He is still on my mind, more often than I like, but at least now I am trying to become the person I wish I could be, and focus on all the other kinds of love I have in my life instead of the one I can’t have. It’s hard, not talking to him, not trying to have a little more of him even if just as friends, but hey it’s a start.
Dear reader, if you are reading this, I am sorry for telling you so much that you didn’t ask to know, and I thank you for “hearing” me out anyway.Ā I am done for today. All the love!
Growing up, most of us have heard our fair share of fairy tales about knights in shining armor, princesses locked up in towers and wise caterpillars who smoked pipes and gave words of advice to young girls lost in Wonderland. Somehow, these fairy tales have played a huge role in shaping our childhood and fueling our imagination and creativity. In case of avid readers such as myself, these fairytales had turned me into a bookworm and inspired me to maybe write my own story about magic and myth someday.
What I find really interesting is how these stories seem Continue reading “Once Upon A Time In Retellings”
Hello everyone! I hope you all are having a great weekend. First, let me apologize for being MIA the last two months–life has been really hectic, and to tell you the truth, things were getting so bad that I couldn’t help but slide into a blogging as well as a reading slump. Now that I’m back from my long hiatus, looking back I realize how badly I needed to have that break; no offense to my lovely readers but taking some time off from my blog and focusing more on my personal life has really helped me to put things in perspective.
On that note, I decided to return to my blog with a discussion post about whatĀ IĀ think is the best solution for a blogging slump. The answer is simple and somewhat unorthodox: let it happen.
Hello everyone! This is a completely non-bookish post (hence why it is in the Stray Thoughts) but I wanted to share this with you guys anyway since tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. Eid-ul-Azha marks the anniversary of a very special day in Islamic history (in fact, this event is also recognized by Christianity…I’m not so sure about Judaism) but for me, the highlight of this day is the happiness it brings to those below the poverty line–on this day, those who can afford it are required to sacrifice a herbivore and donate a minimum of one-third of it’s meat to charity–if you can afford to do more, then it is recommended that you do more for the poor. And really, there is something very uplifting and also humbling about seeing the excitement and happiness this day brings to these particular people.
On a less serious note and a more personal note, Eid is another opportunity of gaining extra weight in my family. My mom, who is an excellent cook, loves making us fat and so this is what Eid usually brings to our dining table.
I’m obviously not going to be getting rid of the 10 pounds I’ve been wanting to lose this month.
Oooh and also, my sister just came home with mehdi (heena tattoo) on her hands!
I know that’s a lot heena tattoo images but I’m just excited to see if it comes out a rich ruby red tomorrow morning when she washes off the green paste.
Anyways, Muslim or not, believer or not, I want to wish every one of my followers lots and lots of love and good wishes tomorrow and on the days to come. Have a great weekend, everyone!