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The Hard Part

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((cue nervous laughter because this is the first personal post on this blog hehehehehe))

This has been on my mind for a while now, and I am not sure how best to express this in words without embarrassing myself, but I tend to form emotional attachments a little too quickly, a little too strongly, and at the same time, I find myself unable to really open up to people, to share the things that friends are supposed to be sharing with each other. It makes friendships hard enough as it is for an introvert like me–on one hand I can’t make my friendships more meaningful even though I want to; without intimacy, without the feeling of trust that comes with sharing and keeping secrets and other things you wouldn’t tell most people, it’s difficult to cross the borderlands between “acquaintance/friends” and “good friends”.

On the other hand, just because I cannot share these things that matter so much to me, the important things, does not mean I don’t care deeply about the people surrounding me. I do. It’s just hard to prove it when I can’t open up to them.

And we are just talking about friendships here, not romantic relationships. Let’s not even go there, hahaha.

((Actually we are going to go there))

A little more than a month ago, I gathered up the courage to text a crush I have only known through social media. Mind you that this was a really stupid crush–an absolute school girl infatuation–I didn’t actually like the guy. It was more like a he-seems-interesting kinda thing.

Anyway we started talking and I was surprised by how quickly we became friends. One of the first things I learned early on was that he had a girlfriend, which, as disappointing as it was, didn’t bother me that much because I did not really like him seriously. At first.

I guess you all know where this is going.

Well, no point beating around the bush: now, after having talked to him for some time and getting to know him better, I am starting to think I have feelings for him. I am not going to go into the details of that or why I even started having feelings for him because that’s not what I want to get off my chest. I want to talk about the hard part.

The part where I start to forget myself because of how emotionally attached I can become to a person.

I guess it happens to a lot of people when they fall in love. As cliche as it sounds love really can be…overwhelming. And I guess it’s normal that when you fall in love, this one person becomes so important to you that you start to forget that you are important to yourself too. That all the people around you are characters in your story but you are the protagonist. That this story is about you.

Especially if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or (if they are a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend) makes you feel like they don’t love you as much back.

At times like this I guess it’s hard to remember that the love we want isn’t some thing that only one person can give. I think that’s part of why it’s hard for us to leave those people, even when they hurt us and make us unhappy,  because we want them to be the one to give us the love that we give them. To quote Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower (the book not the movie): we accept the love we think we deserve.

And I think all of this is part of why it is so hard to love ourselves first–to give ourselves the love that we actually deserve. That’s the hard part.

For myself, I have been doing a little better lately. I am putting a bit of distance between myself and this guy, and using that time to focus on me instead. I am not talking trips to the spa or shopping mall (but if that makes you feel good do that, you do you) but more like things that I know will make me happier in the long run: running every alternate days to get in shape a bit, writing more often, talking to other people, reading more, etc. Things that require me to think about other things instead of him. He is still on my mind, more often than I like, but at least now I am trying to become the person I wish I could be, and focus on all the other kinds of love I have in my life instead of the one I can’t have. It’s hard, not talking to him, not trying to have a little more of him even if just as friends, but hey it’s a start.

Dear reader, if you are reading this, I am sorry for telling you so much that you didn’t ask to know, and I thank you for “hearing” me out anyway.  I am done for today. All the love!

Home, Stray Thoughts, Uncategorized

July Resolutions

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June passed me by a little too quickly this year, but I am excited for everything July is going to bring. Not only does today mark the first day of my 22nd year on this planet, but there is so much to look forward to–Camp NanoWriMo to help me make more progress on my WIP novel, #bookstajuly18 on bookstagram, and so much more.

Continue reading “July Resolutions” →

Home, Uncategorized, Young Adult

Review: Daughter of Smoke and Bone

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Around the world, black handprints are appearing on doorways, scorched there by winged strangers who have crept through a slit in the sky.

In a dark and dusty shop, a devil's supply of human teeth grown dangerously low.

And in the tangled lanes of Prague, a young art student is about to be caught up in a brutal otherwordly war.

Meet Karou. She fills her sketchbooks with monsters that may or may not be real; she's prone to disappearing on mysterious "errands"; she speaks many languages—not all of them human; and her bright blue hair actually grows out of her head that color. Who is she? That is the question that haunts her, and she's about to find out.

When one of the strangers—beautiful, haunted Akiva—fixes his fire-colored eyes on her in an alley in Marrakesh, the result is blood and starlight, secrets unveiled, and a star-crossed love whose roots drink deep of a violent past. But will Karou live to regret learning the truth about herself? 

Ratings:

5 out of 5

As someone who makes a point of avoiding the romance genre and has a particular distaste for any story that even remotely has the true-love-conquers–all trope, Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone caught me by surprise. This is a fantasy novel where the whole premise is based on the fates of star-crossed lovers–and yet, this story has so much more to offer: this is a story that explores colonization, racism and the pointlessness of war in a way that very few Young Adult (and even Adult) books have been able to do.

Continue reading “Review: Daughter of Smoke and Bone” →

Adult, Home, Mystery & Thriller, Thriller

Review: You by Caroline Kepnes

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When a beautiful, aspiring writer strides into the East Village bookstore where Joe Goldberg works, he does what anyone would do: he Googles the name on her credit card.
There is only one Guinevere Beck in New York City. She has a public Facebook account and Tweets incessantly, telling Joe everything he needs to know: she is simply Beck to her friends, she went to Brown University, she lives on Bank Street, and she’ll be at a bar in Brooklyn tonight—the perfect place for a “chance” meeting.
As Joe invisibly and obsessively takes control of Beck’s life, he orchestrates a series of events to ensure Beck finds herself in his waiting arms. Moving from stalker to boyfriend, Joe transforms himself into Beck’s perfect man, all while quietly removing the obstacles that stand in their way—even if it means murder

3 out of 5

 

 

Trigger warnings: extremely sexual content, violence and stalking

I gotta hand it to Caroline Kepnes–for a debut novel, You is very, very, well-written, especially when considering the subject matter. The narration is the best part about this book–despite the unbelievably and disturbingly sexual language that Joe uses, despite the way he blames everybody but himself for his actions and his choices, despite the cold and calculating way he makes his plans without any thought to who he is harming, there were many instances throughout the story when I forgot that he was the bad guy. I am not gonna say that I ever rooted for him or supported his thoughts, but there were times when I found myself reading the book and thinking of him as just another regular male protagonist who is madly in love with a woman who does not love him back. That is not the story here though, and Joe’s obsession with Beck was something that will probably haunt me for a long time. I also loved the unreliability of Joe’s narration. Because of the way he perceives others and the world itself, and because we are reading the story from his perspective, I often had to figure out myself what the reality really was because Joe’s reality is extremely deluded.

However, despite the strong narration, the plot was flimsy at best. Everything was too easy for Joe–from stalking Beck to being able to interfere in her life the way he did–he was able to do all of it because of the carelessness of both Beck and the other supportive characters. I truly do not mean to blame the victim, but there are certain things you know not to do no matter how screwed up you are or how safe you feel in your neighborhood, especially when you are a twenty-something adult living all by yourself. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it wasn’t really that much of a challenge for Joe to do the things that he does in this novel, because all the characters are so incredibly stupid and reckless about their own personal safety.

In fact, this book has a plot simply because the characters lack common sense and intelligence. If the characters here did not make the mistakes that they did, the plot really would not have progressed very far.

Speaking of the plot, although Joe’s narration made it really easy for me to fly through the book, halfway in to the story I became extremely bored because of how repetitive and predictable everything was. I feel like this book should have been shorter, and several chapters here should have been simply cut, because they just were not necessary. The predictability and repetitiveness of the story made it difficult for me to finish this book, because after the 50% mark, every time I picked up the book I put it down again thinking “meh I know what’s gonna happen.” And I did. There really was no element of surprise after the 50% mark.

All in all, this was a good read, but not good enough that I would recommend it to anyone.

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Have you ever read a book that gave you nightmares? Or haunted you for a long time? Which one was it and what made you want to read it?

Dystopia, Home, Young Adult

Review: Queen of the Tearling

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Queen of the tearling

Ratings: 3/5 3 out of 5

 

Kelsea Glynn is the sole heir to the throne of Tearling but has been raised in secret by foster parents after her mother – Queen Elyssa, as vain as she was stupid – was murdered for ruining her kingdom. For 18 years, the Tearling has been ruled by Kelsea’s uncle in the role of Regent however he is but the debauched puppet of the Red Queen, the sorceress-tyrant of neighbouring realm of Mortmesme. On Kelsea’s 19th birthday, the tattered remnants of her mother’s guard – each pledged to defend the queen to the death – arrive to bring this most un-regal young woman out of hiding…

And so begins her journey back to her kingdom’s heart, to claim the throne, earn the loyalty of her people, overturn her mother’s legacy and redeem the Tearling from the forces of corruption and dark magic that are threatening to destroy it. But Kelsea’s story is not just about her learning the true nature of her inheritance – it’s about a heroine who must learn to acknowledge and live with the realities of coming of age in all its insecurities and attractions, alongside the ethical dilemmas of ruling justly and fairly while simply trying to stay alive..

I’ll be honest, I had very low expectations for this book, partly because of the abundance of negative reviews this book has on Goodreads and partly because of Emma Watson’s apparent obsession with this book. Now that I have finally read it myself, I am pleasantly surprised: Queen of the Tearling is an intriguing, entertaining, well-written piece of fantasy and a classic example of why we should all read a book ourselves in order to form our own opinion instead of listening to what the mass people are saying. The characters were very interesting and well developed–Kelsea is by far one of my favorite female characters; she has her flaws like any nineteen-year-old but what sets her apart Continue reading “Review: Queen of the Tearling” →

Home, Young Adult

Review: The Iron Queen (The Iron Fey#3) by Julie Kagawa

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Note: This review is for the third book of The Iron Fey series and may therefore contain spoilers. Click here for the review of the first book and here for the review of the second book.

RATINGS: 5/5

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I am Meghan Chase.
I thought it was over. That my time with the fey, the impossible choices I had to make, the sacrifices of those I loved, was behind me. But a storm is approaching, an army of Iron fey that will drag me back, kicking and screaming. Drag me away from the banished prince who’s sworn to stand by my side. Drag me into the core of conflict so powerful, I’m not sure anyone can survive it.

This time, there will be no turning back.

I am trying my best to write a coherent review for this book, one that will do this book justice, but sometimes when you read a really good book it is almost impossible to express into words the feelings that the book leaves you with. The Iron Queen is one such book.

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Our MC, Meghan Chase, who is forever going to be one of my favorite female leads in literature comes a long way from being the quiet, shy sixteen-year-old she was in the first book. Though she does not lose her humor or her endearing moments of Continue reading “Review: The Iron Queen (The Iron Fey#3) by Julie Kagawa” →

Home, Other Bookish Stuff

Reading Challenges And Why I Love Them

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Most of you who are active in the book community–and by active I mean, you talk to other book lovers and participate in reading groups and what not–are already familiar with reading challenges. They are a fun way to read more books and to step out of your comfort zone and read more widely as well. But they can also be stressful and daunting, especially if you have a busy schedule (or if you have terrible time management skills like me).

Continue reading “Reading Challenges And Why I Love Them” →

Home, Romance, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Young Adult

Review: The Iron Daughter (The Iron Fey#2) By Julie Kagawa

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Note: This is the second book of The Iron Fey series and the review may therefore contain spoilers. For the review of the first book in the series, click here

Half Summer faery princess, half human, Meghan has never fit in anywhere. Deserted by the Winter prince she thought loved her, she is prisoner to the Winter faery queen. As war looms between Summer and Winter, Meghan knows that the real danger comes from the Iron fey—ironbound faeries that only she and her absent prince have seen. But no one believes her.

Worse, Meghan’s own fey powers have been cut off. She’s stuck in Faery with only her wits for help. Trusting anyone would be foolish. Trusting a seeming traitor could be deadly. But even as she grows a backbone of iron, Meghan can’t help but hear the whispers of longing in her all-too-human heart.

Ratings: ☕☕☕☕☕ (5/5)

The second book of The Iron Fey series by Julie Kagawa starts off a bit weakly when compared to the first book, and as much as I hate to say it, Meghan starts out as one of those irritating, madly in love girls who desperately needs to grow a backbone and get over their obsession with the love of their lives. You know, the kind of girls you wish you could smack real hard in the head in order to knock some sense into them? It was a shame really because in The Iron King she was a rather strong character–despite the countless times she screamed and cried, she was still quick on her feet, admiringly brave, and absolutely determined to rescue her brother no matter what the cost.
Continue reading “Review: The Iron Daughter (The Iron Fey#2) By Julie Kagawa” →

Home, Other Bookish Stuff, Stray Thoughts

October Resolutions

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I love the last day of a month and the first day of the month, because there is something about moving from one month to the next that makes me feel inspired and encouraged. New beginnings and all that jazz. September was a good month for me, and I look forward to whatever October is bringing.

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Adult, Home, Mental Health

Review: It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover

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Ratings: ☕☕☕☕☕ (5/5)

Trigger warning: abusive relationship, domestic violence, sexual assault

SOMETIMES THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU IS THE ONE WHO HURTS YOU THE MOST

Lily hasn’t always had it easy, but that’s never stopped her from working hard for the life she wants. She’s come a long way from the small town in Maine where she grew up – she graduated from college, moved to Boston, and started her own business. So when she feels a spark with a gorgeous neurosurgeon named Ryle Kincaid, everything in Lily’s life suddenly seems almost too good to be true.

Ryle is assertive, stubborn, and maybe even a little arrogant. He’s also sensitive, brilliant, and has a total soft spot for Lily, but Ryle’s complete aversion to relationships is disturbing.

As questions about her new relationship overwhelm her, so do thoughts of Atlas Corrigan – her first love and a link to the past she left behind. He was her kindred spirit, her protector. When Atlas suddenly reappears, everything Lily has built with Ryle is threatened.

“Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?”

It Ends With Us isn’t a book that changed me, nor is it a book that taught me things that I didn’t already know. But it is a special book, nonetheless, not just because it is incredibly well-written, has complex characters who are painfully imperfect, and a plot that is–to quote Hoover herself–brave and bold. This book is special, because this book is important.

Abusive relationships is a subject that needs to be discussed more often, especially considering that even now, though we do hate and condemn abusers, almost all of us have asked this question at least once: “Why didn’t she leave him the first time he hit her? Why did she give him a second chance? Why didn’t she walk away?”

Continue reading “Review: It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover” →